Twenty Ways to Involve a Reluctant Child
It's important to teach basic life skills to your visually impaired or multiply handicapped child, but sometimes the task can seem daunting. Does this sound familiar? Every time you try to encourage your son to put on his own shirt he throws the clothes and cries, or maybe your daughter has a tantrum every time you try to get her to help you put her toys away.
What can you do? Let's look at some ways you can involve that reluctant child in everyday activities...
Involving Your Children
| Potential Tasks |
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Ages 2-3 Pick up a few toys, with help Put soiled clothes in laundry basket Take used cup or bottle to sink Put trash in the waste basket Help to prepare meals Clean vegetables Put salad ingredients into bowls Sweep the floor, with help Wipe up spills, with help Put on clothes, with help Ages 3-4 Put away toys that were played with during the day Set the table Take used dishes to the sink Pick out clothes to wear for the day, with help Dress themselves, needing help with difficult buttons, etc Pull up covers on beds Empty wastebaskets Dust their bedroom furniture, if they have their own Shake a small rug Talk with grandparents, extended family, by phone Pull weeds, outdoor planting, with help Water the lawn and garden Find items at the grocery store Put groceries away, with help Help to cook Make desserts Hold mixer Make sandwiches Get cereal and milk Get the mail Ages 4-5 Put dishes in dishwasher (if totally blind, this is a very difficult chore) Care of pets, with help Plan one family meal a week, with help (focus on nutrition) Dust the family living room furniture Sort clothes for laundry, with help Water indoor plants, with help Clean sink and tub after using Ages 5-7 Remove dishes from dishwasher Cook simple meals, using micro-wave Fully responsible for care of pets Wash and dry clothes, with help Fold laundered clothes and put them away, with help Make a grocery list for one family meal, with help Prepare one family meal a week, with help Manage a small weekly allowance (% to save, spend, & give) Vacuum the family living room area Take out trash Fully responsible for watering indoor plants Contact grandparents and extended family by phone Clean their bedroom (if they have own of their own) Put things where they belong Dust Vacuum Ages 7-10 Cook simple meals, using the range and oven Make a grocery list for family meal for a week Simple home repairs (cleaning sink drains) Fully responsible for family laundry Clean the bathroom, using cleaning products safely Recycle can, bottles, newspapers Answer phone calls and take messages Help with yard work Write thank you notes for gifts Clip and save coupons Shop for clothes with help Help to clean out the car Help to paint their own room Prepare own school lunch Care for their own bike |
- Understand the capability of the individual child: Allow for differences among children in the family.
- Begin early: By the age 2, most children can help pick up their toys, take off their clothes, and put their clothes in the laundry bag.
- Get ALL family members involved: Parents share tasks with children; Parents model how to do the work; Parents provide company to make the tasks more enjoyable; Children need fairness, and if dad or mom or the oldest or youngest siblings don't do household tasks, it will be harder to convince a middle child that they should do something no one else is doing.
- Offer encouragement: Thanks, hugs, and pats on the back are needed for all efforts, even if the meal was bland or too spicy! Use check lists, colorful stickers, and refrigerator charts. Intermittent rewards are best since the goal is for intrinsic rewards (coming from within the child) to take over.
- Communicate a lot about the reasons for being involved in the work of the family: Say things like, "We all need to help each other," or "All of us need to know how to do these tasks, so we can function on our own." Ask, rather than demand, and give reasons why a task needs to be done.
- Make gender-free assignments: Taking out the garbage and washing dishes can be done by both boys and girls.
- Establish realistic standards for the job: Perfection in folding towels may not be necessary for family functioning. Consider if standards are set by what others will think, or if they fit your family's situation.
- Don't go overboard:Use common sense about the number of tasks expected of each child.
- Ask for volunteers, and rotate jobs: Walking the dog may not be everyone's favorite task - or it may be the only task everyone loves to do. Assign the tasks no one wants to do - cleaning the litter box - after everyone agrees that the unpleasant jobs have to be done, too. Vary the tasks to avoid boredom - children like the challenge of a new job.
- Set an appropriate time for the work to be completed: Routines help everyone to know what to expect. There may be a need for an all-out family tornado when Grandma has called and is on her way!
- Write a contract:Consider having children who can read and write complete a weekly contract that says what they plan to do and when the tasks will be completed.
- Avoid blaming or labeling: Saying "You inherited your slob tendencies from you Grandfather" isn't going to get the clothes picked up.
- Use Humor: Are you leaving your clothes to be picked up by the clever invisible elf?
- Set rules for the shared spaces in the home: "All papers in the living room must be picked up by bedtime, or they'll be tossed out." "Clothes left in the bathroom at bedtime will be put away for a week." etc.
- Allow, within reason, the child's room to be their sanctuary: It may be okay to keep the door shut. General room cleaning should be done weekly by the child, with parent's inspection or involvement.
- Make a place for as many things as possible: Label shelves, boxes, and drawers so everyone knows where things go.
- Don't give in to bribery and inevitable bargaining: Avoid "I'll clean up, if you'll take me to the Mall - or let me listen to this CD first."
- Don't argue: Refrain from confrontations. Calmly explain that the work needs to be done in order for the family to function. Most tasks have their own consequences - if the clothes aren't put into the laundry bag, they won't be washed. If the garbage isn't taken out, there's an unpleasant smell. If the dog isn't fed, he'll be hungry. If the dishes aren't done, there will be no clean plates for the next meal. Parents can also use removal of privileges, but these consequences are more remote and seem more like punishment than reasonable consequences. i.e."There will be no CD or TV, no car keys, no friends over, no playing outside, or no surfing the net until after the work is done." Do not discuss consequences ahead of time. Assume the work will be done and no threat should be made about what will happen if something happens otherwise. When the consequence has been explained to the child, the parent should walk away, asking the child to let the parent know when the task is complete.
- Avoid tying allowances to household tasks: Everyone needs to pitch in to make the family function. Mom and dad don't get paid for grocery shopping and other household tasks. Allowances are important for children to have (so they learn to manage money) and are too important to take away if the child does not do their task. Extra pay can be given for extra (non-routine) jobs, such as cleaning out the attic, or raking the leaves.
- Don't despair if a child backslides after seemingly giving learned lessons of helpfulness: Children are bound to go through periods when their self-preoccupation is especially intense.
All in a Day's Work
Before you know it, your reluctant child will become a happy participant in your family activities and your days will run much smoother. Plus, each task or chore you can encourage your child to take over teaches them one more life skill that will help them lead a rewarding and independent adult life, and isn't that really the point of parenting?