Finding Refuge in Music: A Caregiver’s Guide to Healing Through Sound
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The calyx of the oboe breaks
silver and soft the flower it makes,
and next, beyond, the flute-notes seen
now are white and now are green.
— Conrad Aiken, “Music” (1942)
Music — this art carved in thin air — is a realm apart. Therapy, meanwhile, is a modern-day jungle. Where these two overlap, we find different paths:
- Music therapy: The science of trained experts guiding patients by carefully chosen sounds.
- Music ergotherapy (occupational therapy): Music that engages the patient, helping them function better in daily life or work.
- Music self-ergotherapy: Choosing your own music — listening, singing, or playing — to feel better, work better, and begin to heal.
Who guides us through this labyrinth? Sometimes the therapist, sometimes the patient, and often the music itself. My words are drawn from long experience at the piano, often alongside medical professionals, especially when working with severely affected patients.
Parents of children with special needs often live with a weight that others cannot see — the sleepless nights, the endless caregiving, the heart worn thin by love and worry. Music can offer a refuge. A song well chosen can lift the spirit, soothe exhaustion, or even help untangle the knots of trauma that caregiving may leave behind. Music is not a miracle cure, but it is a companion: steady, forgiving, and always ready to share its strength when yours feels spent.
Listen to Your Heart
Only your own heart can tell you what music you truly need. Listen to what you love, and what makes you feel well. Never force yourself to hear music that feels uncomfortable, no matter how highly recommended it may be. Emitter and receiver must be tuned to the same wavelength for true communication to happen — and for healing to begin.
One rhythm that speaks deeply to the heart is the “limping” waltz: 1-2-3… 1-2, or 1-2… 1-2-3. You can listen to it, or dance to it forever, always in sync, no drums required. Just listen and wonder to the Tchaikovsky Waltz.
And of course, the familiar 1-2-3 waltz. A waltz that tells a story holds even more power, since music is, at its core, storytelling through pitch, timbre, rhythm, and vibration.
Some say the oldest waltzes were left to us from forgotten times — Arirang from Lemuria, Auld Lang Syne from Atlantis. Whether or not that’s true, both carry the feeling that love is eternal, the theme of so much music.
Test the Music You Listen To
Primum non nocere, secundum cavere, tertium sanare. Translated from Latin: first, do no harm; second, be cautious; third, heal. Music, like medicine, must be tested carefully.
I once ran an experiment for a colleague writing her PhD on daisies. She gave me seeds to grow in identical conditions, except half of them sat on my piano, nourished only by Mozart, while the others grew in silence three doors away. I kept careful notes: how many sprouts broke to life, how tall they grew each day, how many leaves. The results were unmistakable: the Mozart daisies thrived.
Music can heal, but it can also harm. Some sounds may leave you or your child feeling more unsettled than before. Just as a doctor tests a medicine carefully before prescribing it, you as a caregiver can “test” music gently, noticing how it affects your own spirit and your child’s mood. The right song may bring calm or spark joy — but if it doesn’t feel right, it’s best to set it aside.
Mozart Is No Vitamin; Beethoven No Aspirin
Listening deeply, you’ll discover that each composer is like a planet, with both light and shadow. No one composer can be “prescribed” like a pill. Sometimes the piece that speaks most to you is the least “characteristic.”
For me, Mozart’s Gigue and A surprising Beethoven are favorites.
On a Personal Note
The Neapolitan canzone Felicella has immense emotional power, though not everyone will love it. Two more pieces that never fail to cheer are Cicirinella and Saint-Saëns’ Mandolinata.
For caregivers, these lighthearted songs can serve as a small spark on heavy days — a reminder of ordinary joys, of laughter, of music’s ability to nudge us gently back toward hope. Even a brief moment of cheer can make a difference when you are carrying so much.
I believe authentic, generous, inspired music — no matter who composed it — can suspend awareness of pain, whispering: This is not you. Keep going. There’s something better ahead.
Serendipity at the Piano
Years ago, before the internet, I was practicing a Bach fugue while my daughter studied a fugue by George Enescu Fugue. To our amazement, we realized both were written on the same unusual theme, like echoes of an ancient hymn.
Life moved on, the music book was lost. Decades later, I searched online and found my fugue again — J.S. Bach, BWV 911. It felt like rediscovering an old friend. To me, it remains one of the best energizers, both as a musician and as a listener.
That rediscovery inspired me to create a collage, titled in Latin: 911! Ride in your BMW to any refuge because music itself is the refuge supreme over wintry times, when spring can never be far behind.
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